


Mending a Broken Heart

by calie15



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Captain America (Movies), Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Background Relationships, Developing Relationship, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Implied Relationships, Mental Instability, Minor Bucky Barnes/Natasha Romanov, One-Sided Relationship, Secret Relationship, Sex, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-09
Updated: 2014-08-09
Packaged: 2018-02-05 11:48:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1817440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calie15/pseuds/calie15
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"And when I saw, when I heard people talking...it broke my heart Bucky." Jemma sobbed now. "I just don't understand. You didn't even try! You tell me you care about me, but you didn't even try! It hurt! For two months it hurt! It hurts now!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This will probabaly be a 2 or 3 chapter fic.

When it happened, it broke her heart. Jemma came upon them one day looking for Skye, how they didn't hear her she never knew. Yet there they were, Bucky pushing Natasha Romanoff against a wall and kissing her. Jemma saw him lift the woman's legs around his waist and then Jemma had hurried away, tears in her eyes. 

She had no claim to him, they were only friends.

Yet it didn't mean the sight of them near each other, laughing, joking, didn't sink the knife in any deeper.

One day Bucky asked her what was wrong. Jemma only shook her head and looked away, her stomach turning as her heart hurt again. "Nothing, I'm just really busy."

Jemma didn't want to push him away, but she did. Bucky tried to give him credit, he wasn't easy to avoid, but slowly he got the hint.

"You've been working a lot," Fitz commented another day, "even for you."

Jemma only shrugged in response.

When a missions came up she was the first to volunteer. Being away, knee deep in work was easier. 

And when the rumors started she felt sick. Even SHIELD wasn't safe from gossip, and the Winter Solider and Black Window were gossip worthy.

Jemma missed the Bus, she missed being away for months on end. That's what she needed. She needed to be away. Away from the foolish mistake she had made. She was a smart, independent woman. Falling in love and having her heart broken seemed as if it should have been avoidable. She'd helped him during his recovery and she'd fallen for him, it was her mistake. Jemma thought he'd felt the same, she' d been wrong.

She'd fallen for the attention, smiles and the flirting. Then she'd let herself think his constant presence meant something. Jemma had been a gullible idiot.

She needed a mission, she needed a distraction. A mission is what she got...with Bucky and the Black Widow. Jemma had pleaded with Coulson to take her off, using big complicated words for projects that needed her attention, but Coulson needed her there and she couldn't say no.

At least she had Fitz.

Jemma locked herself in her little lab with Fitz as they traveled across the world. 

She met Bucky's eyes during a debrief and then looked away again, because Black Widow was always at his side. 

Work is what she needed. So when they took to the ground finally Jemma was focused. The sense of danger that usually hung over her wasn't there. The only thing she had was her mission, her distraction.

Then there was an explosion. 

Jemma should have been grateful for the pyrotechnics, it took her mind off of things. 

The blast was enough to separate her and Fitz from the others. There was confusion as they took fire and she and Fitz were the only to agents not trained in the field. This was their time to take cover. Except she’d dropped their objective in the blast and it was her responsibility. Coulson had sent her for a reason. The case lay gleaming near a tree in the sunlight, begging to be taken by her or someone else. It was to important to leave it there. To important to leave in someone else's hands. And she was so close.

"No Jemma!" 

She turned to Fitz. "Shhh! It's fine!" He grabbed for her and for the first time she noted his bloody leg. "Stay here,” she snapped.

Then she ran, just as someone else made a jump for her case. Jemma fired her weapon blindly, and dove for it. The ground floor scratched her arms and hands, but it didn't matter. As her and the enemy reached for the case she kicked at him and fought wildly, determined. She wasn't a fighter, never had been, but what was in that case was dangerous, the difference between life and death. Jemma couldn't leave it in the enemies hands, no matter what.

As things were going though, nothing worked in her favor. A gun cocked and she froze. It took only a turn of her head to realize that it wasn't anyone with SHIELD. The enemy motioned with the gun for her to stand, and Jemma complied with her hands up. The other man on the ground stood, her case clenched in his hand. 

The forrest was quiet now and for the first time she wished for Bucky. Instead the man she had kicked slap her with a snarl. Jemma gasped, refusing to scream, but her eyes watered.

"Stupid bitch, kill her."

She'd only wanted a mission to get her mind off things. 

There was a shot then and the man with the gun crumpled. And behind him was Bucky.

Jemma gasped as he slammed his left fist into the other mans face, the one that had slapped her. The force of Bucky's arm was enough to shatter every bone in the man's cheek. He crumpled to the ground without even a fight. Jemma stumbled back as Bucky came around, grabbed the man's hair, and jerked him onto his knees. She winced as the man screamed. Bucky pulled the knife from his pants, flipped it into the air, and caught it as it came down. Jemma couldn't draw in the breath needed to stop him. She couldn't even breathe. He brought it to the man's neck and-.

"Bucky!"

Jemma looked up at the voice and there stood Natasha, barely a hair out of place. Jemma's clothes were dirty, her cheek throbbed, and her arms were scratched.

Jemma looked at Bucky and he met her eyes. Then he slipped the knife away, grabbed the man's head, and turned. A sickening crack echoed through the forrest and Jemma could only stare in shock as the body fell limply to the ground, dead.

"Let's move-."

"What the hell were you doing?!"

Jemma jumped at the fury in Bucky's voice. She looked at him in shock. It seemed so long since they had spoken. After a moment she recovered. "My job, the serum-."

"No, that's unacceptable," he said and advanced on her.

Who was he to order her around? "Who are you to tell me that? Retrieving the serum was the mission. We go out expecting danger, I accepted that a long time ago. If I lose my life-."

"You've lost your damn mind if you think I'm going to let you die playing martyr."

For a moment Jemma was touched, but Natasha stood to the side, and Bucky in the end was no one to her anymore. "You have no right to reprimand me for following orders," she said firmly, even if her hands shook. "And you have no say so in what I do Agent Barnes." In her head 'Agent Barnes' didn't sound so brutal, but as it left her tongue it did. "Leave me alone." She turned to head away, but someone grabbed her arm.

"Jemma, please."

And the sound of his plea almost broke her. It was so genuine, so desperate that she wanted to turn and throw herself at him. 

"Just tell me what I did and I'll fix it."

That sick feeling was back. It was as if all the progress she had made was erased by his simple plea and begging of forgiveness. She tugged at her hand, but he didn't let go.

"Jemma."

Why did he have to sound so sad. Jemma turned, aware of the tears in her eyes, and looked up at him. "You can't," she admitted softly. You couldn't fix a broken heart. And there it was, clear as day on his face, hurt and sadness. Jemma wondered for a moment why he even missed her at all. He didn't feel for her like she thought he did, he didn't need her. Then she turned and grabbed her case, hurrying away as the tears began trailing down her cheeks. She hated him for what he did to her.  
\----------

Later, Jemma secluded herself in the lab, again. Anything to keep her mind busy as they traveled back home. 

The door opened to the lab late that night or morning, she wasn't really sure of the time. A part of her expected Fitz, but he was passed out on pain meds. When she looked up there stood Natasha Romanoff. "Can I help you?" Can you leave?

"So you're her."

It was a statement, not a question. "I'm sorry, I'm not sure-."

"The woman that broke Bucky's heart. The one thing messing with his head."

Broke his heart. He didn't care about her, not as more then a friend. Jemma wasn't sure if she wanted to laugh or cry. She settled for a small chuckle and turned away back to her work to hide her face. "I can assure you none of that is true."

"I saw him out there. The loss of control, the way he talked to you. And from what I have been able to gather, you of all people know how precious his stability is. I think the report said something along the lines of 'patient has begun to use Agent Simmons as a mental crutch, which is unhealthy for his mental stability.'"

Jemma cursed the woman's clearance level. "That's an old diagnosis," Jemma mumbled, but she still clearly remembered Coulson's concern and her own disregard of it. 

"It doesn't make it untrue. I like Bucky, I do. But if he doesn't get it together there will be consequences."

Jemma released a shaky breath. She didn't care. "He isn't my problem. I'm not his therapist and I won't be his crutch to make him happy. Bucky is his own man. I'm not here to be used for Bucky's benefit and then tossed to the side." The words were said angrily and Jemma looked up. "Sorry," she said and took a deep breath, forcing herself to meet the other woman's stare. "Look, I don't know what you want from me. You're close to him, can't you help him?"

"I'd be shocked to learn you don't care. From the display only hours ago I'd say you both have feelings for one another. And while I care about Bucky, I don't know him like you do. "

Jemma released a shaky breath. "I don't believe that. I think you know him much more intimately then I do." Then there was silence as the truth came to light. "I don't think I can help you, I'm sorry." Jemma turned away again and took her seat. 

"How long have you known?"

Jemma closed her eyes as she sat, cursing herself for what she had said. "Two months."

"Did he tell you?"

"No," Jemma admitted. "Training room, two months ago. I was looking for my friend Skye." There was a lump in her throat that wouldn't go away. She wanted to be sick. 

"I don't want to be in the middle of things, especially considering who we're talking about. If I'd known..."

Jemma shrugged and began her work again. "I'm not unreasonable, it isn't your fault. And Bucky's problems are not because of me, he-."

"You were the only person who could ever calm him down. Don't you think his case file reflected that? You're right, it isn't your job to be there to comfort him, but you're the one who made the most success with his progress."

"It was science," Jemma mumbled. "Daily doses of chemicals help him, it wasn't-."

Natasha came around and slapped her hands on the table. "Look, I'm going to be brutally honest. He doesn't care about me. I'm a distraction, as is he. If I had known then what I know now would have taken up sewing as a distraction. The last thing I wanted was to chase away the one woman that gave Bucky some peace. He needs you. He's a man, and he's stupid. He doesn't need you just because of the things in that report. He needs you because your probably the only person that means as much to him as his best friend, and that's saying an awful lot."

Again tears threatened to spill. Jemma wiped them angrily. "I can't okay. I just, I can't make everything okay again."

Natasha stood and sighed. "I talked to him too," she revealed, "before I came to you. That conversation was a lot shorter. He's better at shutting down. I asked him if you were the woman that was making his life hell. He said nothing. I asked him if he'd ever told you how he felt. His response was that he's a fucking mess and you didn't deserve that much baggage. Why the hell would you want him. Then he made me leave."

Jemma looked down and blinked, hiding her silent tears.

"It's no coincidence that your absence from his life has coincided with his lack of focus and brutal behavior. If you care about him then just talk to him," Natasha said more gently this time. "After that, then make your decision final."

In the end, Jemma couldn't watch Bucky destroy himself. She nodded silently at the other woman's request.


	2. Chapter 2

Traveling in a plane had never made Bucky comfortable. Planes made him feel trapped, and locking himself in the small quarters provided didn't help either. He wanted to be on the ground, be away. He wanted to be away from Jemma. 

He sat silently in the lone chair for nearly an hour. He was used to being still, quiet. The problem was that even though he could outwardly shut himself down he couldn't internally, not anymore. So he sat alone, with only his own thoughts to keep him company.

He sat there thinking of Jemma, even though he tried desperately not to. 

He could see the gun pointed at her, remember the fear and fury he had felt. Bucky remembered the feeling of being just slightly unhinged as he prepared to pull his blade across the man's neck. It would have been much more satisfying then simply snapping it. The man had hit Jemma, ordered her to be killed. Bucky should have sliced his throat.

Bucky didn't mind remembering that part, or even yelling at Jemma for her stupidity. What he hated was her harsh response. It was detached, professional, as if she hadn't been the one press her hands against his face when he had panicked so many times. As if she didn't know how important her life was to him. As if she didn't even care. And he was beginning to think she didn't.

Jemma had left him in the cold. The one person besides Steve who he could count on had deserted him for reasons he didn't even know. Reasons he'd begged her to explain, but she wouldn't. He meant what he said, he'd fix whatever he'd done just to get her back. Even if he couldn't have her the way he wanted her. It was those troubling thoughts that he avoided. Knowing that he had stupidly fallen in love with her had left him with nothing but heart ache.

There was a knock at his door and he sighed in annoyance. There wasn't a person he wanted to see he thought as he headed towards the door and opened it. Except the woman on the other side of the door, Jemma. To be honest, he wasn't sure if he could handle a conversation with her. So he just stared.

"Can I come in?" Jemma asked, her voice quiet, so unlike earlier that day.

He nodded and stepped back, noting the side of her face. "Your cheek..."

"It's fine," she said quickly. "Just a bruise."

It wasn't fine, but he let it go. Again he wished he had cut the man’s throat.

"Natasha Romanoff came to see me," she began.

The woman's name said by Jemma already had him feeling on edge. Bucky didn't necessarily trust Natasha, regardless of what had happened between them.

"She seemed to think there may be some concerns regarding you behavior as of late"

"My behavior," he said slowly, anger slowly building, angry at Natasha for assuming she knew him. Bucky knew he shouldn’t have trusted her. Most of all he was angry that the woman had the nerve to go to Jemma.

"Look," Jemma said quickly. "I'm not here to play your doctor. But she did ask me to talk to you."

That statement made him tense. It alluded to only one thing, Natasha had figured out everything Bucky had attempted to hide from everyone, his feelings for Jemma. She'd seen him lose control earlier, his emotional exchange with Jemma. And then she'd come to him. He'd stupidly lashed out at Natasha in his anger over he state of his relationship with Jemma and revealed to much. "Why?" Bucky asked. Then Jemma was silent, seeming reluctant. 

"I don't know, I assumed it was because I was part of the team assisting with your recovery."

She averted his eyes for a moment and Bucky knew the statement made her uncomfortable. She wasn't telling the whole truth. "So you're here now. What about the past two months." Her face pinched with worry and she looked away again. "What about earlier?"

"I'm not here about that, I-."

"God damnit, I don't give a shit if SHIELD tosses me. I want to know what I did to make you hate me." She looked up at him again, this time with that same pained expression from earlier. She didn't deny it, confirming that it was him that had made her push him away.

Jemma released a shaky breath and brushed her hair behind her ear. "I'm not talking about that."

"Why?!" He he demanded angrily. She didn't retreat from anger, she never had. "One day you're there and the next day you can't even be bothered with me," he snapped, fury no where near dissipating. Two months of being pushed away by her made him snap. "I need you! You know that!" She looked away. 

"You aren't my responsibility. I can't alway be there to pull you back," Jemma whispered, keeping her eyes trained on the floor.

"Responsibility." He said through clenched teeth. "I don't want to be your responsibility. I thought you were my friend. That I could count on you."

"I can't," she began and shook her head. "I can't..."

Bucky watched her turn towards the door. She was leaving him, again, as always. "Do you have any idea what this is doing to me? I was stupid thinking I could stay your friend. Imagine when I realized that I wanted more then that." He exhaled loudly at his admission, as if he'd just shed some great burden. He had. "And this whole damn time you won't talk to me. I just want to know why. I care about you, and I can't understand why you don't seem to give a shit about me!”

Then she laughed. Not loud or long, it was soft. But when she turned she stared at him with those same watery eyes that had run from him earlier. Her laugh wasn’t out humor.

"I don't believe you care as much as you say," she said.

"Don't tell me what I-."

"Two months ago I was-it doesn't matter." She interrupted herself and sighed. "I don't believe you because two months ago I saw you with her, in the training room."

Natasha. For months Bucky had struggled, trying to figure it out, trying to get Jemma back, but she'd turned him away, over and over again. He'd stupidly never thought it may be his relationship with Natasha. Yet there was Jemma, staring up at him with hurt in her eyes, tears glistening, and he hated himself. 

"I thought," Jemma paused, "I don't know why, but I thought there was something between us. I really thought you felt something for me," she said. As she spoke the tears that had been threatening to fall slid down her cheeks.

In just a few words she'd destroyed every assumption he had made and Bucky realized he hadn't understood Jemma at all. That wasn’t even the most painful realization. It was that he had ruined something he had wanted so desperately. 

It wasn't supposed to be this way. Bucky hadn’t thought he was capable of doing anything that might bring Jemma even close to crying. He was in love with her, she’d done everything for him. It should have been impossible for him to hurt her. 

"And when I saw, when I heard people talking...it broke my heart Bucky." Jemma sobbed now. "I just don't understand. You didn't even try! You tell me you care about me, but you didn't even try! It hurt! For two months it hurt! It hurts now!"

And there it was, the confirmation that she had wanted him all along, that he'd hurt her, the only good thing he wanted in his life, and he'd destroyed that. There she was before him, crying, because of how selfish he'd been, because of what he had done. The thought that what he had with her was over, that she'd never be apart of his life again, almost broke him. Those doctors had been right, he should have been careful of how much he depended on Jemma. 

The misery she'd put him through the past two months had been of his own doing. He'd told her hours ago he'd fix whatever he had done, but there was no fixing this.

"So don't tell me you care,” she continued, “don't tell me that Bucky. I cared! I invested everything in you to the point where people warned me, but I ignored them. I wanted to see you better, and I cared to much! I hate you!” She screamed, small hands clutched into fists at her side, tears on her cheeks, but eyes full of anger.

Her words, her anger, the tone of her voice, it was like a slap in the face, in addition to her revelation and his world crumbing around him. Jemma hated him. He looked away from her for a moment as he tried to get some control, form some rational though, calm his pounding heart. His jaw felt as if it might break as he clenched it, his arm made a soft noise as the plates shifted to accommodate the tightening of his fist. Bucky was scared, afraid, and that made him tense.

"Say something."

He looked at her and wondered if she could see the panic in his face. Now that he knew what had come between them he didn't think he'd ever get her back. That scared him.

"Say something!" She screamed, tears still dampening her cheeks.

Bucky swallowed. "I-." What could he say? He loved her to much and he was the one that had hurt her the worst. He still couldn't reconcile himself with being capable of that, he couldn't explain that. Anything he said made him sound like a fool. He was a fool. He'd thrown away the one thing that mattered to him. The only thing he loved. Except he had to try, Bucky couldn't imagine letting her go. "When you thought I cared, I thought I was only your friend. I thought...that you'd spent almost two years dealing with my outbursts and mood swings and there wasn't a chance in hell that a smart, normal person who actually has their shit together would actually want to have anything to do with me."

"And that's supposed to make it okay?" She whispered, clearly still hurt.

"No! I-. Fuck." He winced as he struggled to put together the right words, explain to her how much she really meant to him, even though he’d been so foolish. He needed to make her understand he would never have hurt her. "It killed me Jemma, thinking that. I just-I hated it. Natasha-. It was nothing, and I hate to say that when I can see what it's done. If I would have known I would never have. But I thought you were out of my reach. I-." Still he struggled, still reluctant to admit how he felt when everything was on the line. "I knew I was in love with you and I didn't think there would ever be a change that you would feel the same way."

"Do you think I feel better knowing that?” She asked shakily. “Do you think it erases two months of misery Bucky? Does it make me feel better to know that you were having fun with your distraction?"

The panic started again, because as he looked at her wide eyes, the way she shook her head up at him in disbelief, he began to believe that there would be no way of making it okay. He needed her, and she was going to leave him. "No, I-." But it was to late, he had no excuses, he had nothing to offer. Bucky looked away from her as he tried to even out his breathing, but he was beginning to believe that he really had lost her, and that hurt. That was impossible to get over.

"I loved you Bucky," she cried and looked up at him, pain and hurt plain as day. "And I still love you, and I hate that. All you had to do was try."

He looked at her, knowing his face reflected his own pain, his own regret and sorrow at what he'd done. To hear her admit she loved him made him physically ill. She'd been there the entire time and he'd been to scared, to much of a coward to try. It was a terrible thing to think that your one chance at happiness had been destroyed. "Jemma please," he begged now, because he couldn't imagine her walking away after her admission. He couldn’t accept that she did love him and then watch her leave. 

"You can't just make this okay," her voice shook. "You can't."

"I know. Just let me try. I need to try, even if you tell me no. I didn't know, I wish I had, I wouldn't have been so stupid. I hate myself for it. I didn’t want to hurt you." She looked away then, and he wanted to reach out to her, but he didn't. "I need you."

She released a loud, shaky sigh. "You-you need to get it together or they'll take you off of active duty."

He stared down at her head, mouth parting slightly with shock and realization as to what she was doing.

"I can't be your crutch Bucky, you need to get on with you life and-."

Then he snapped. Bucky grabbed her arms and hauled her against him. Jemma looked up at him, surprised, eyes wide and shining with tears. "No, I'm not. Don't tell me to get on with my life. I can't. After a hundred years you’re the only person I’ve loved and you think I can just move on from that? You want to tell me to move on? Fine, but I'm not. Not until I make this right."

"You can't," Jemma cried and lifted a hand to wipe away her tears. "You can't Bucky. 

"Don't tell me that. I'm in love with you and you've already admitted you still love me. I can't just walk away from that."

"Bucky, please," she begged and dropped her head. It brushed his chest just slightly.

She pleaded, but didn't push him away. Instead, her hands settled on his chest and fisted his shirt and her body slumped slightly into his. Slowly, he pulled her closer and slid his hands against her back, wrapping his arms around her body. He shook as he breathed in relief. But then she sobbed into his chest and it made him sick.

“You gave up on me without even trying,” she whispered pitifully and sobbed.

It made his chest hurt to hear her say that, but she didn't move. So he held her tighter and lowered his head. "I'm sorry Jemma. Just, let me try. I need to try. I know I don't deserve it, but I need to." She said nothing, so he just held her, content with that. If she wasn't pulling away it meant he had some chance. 

Soon, she quieted, and lifted her head just slightly to angle it up at him. Bucky looked down as she stared up at him with glassy eyes still swimming with tears, cheeks flushed. Her hair was hanging over part of her face, brushing her lips. Fearfully, he lifted his arm and brushed the strands away. "Jemma..."

She sighed. "I know it's not your fault," she began shakily as if she might start crying again.

Bucky wasn't sure that's what he wanted to hear. He didn't want her to be fucking reasonable. It felt as if there should be some consequence for his ignorance and disregard.

"And I want to hate you."

Perhaps there should be some consequence, but Bucky wasn't sure he could live with her hate. 

"I just can't," she said softly, her eyes pained and drawn.

Again, he wasn't sure if he should be grateful or hate himself. He'd just wanted her to love him and he'd been to wrapped up in his own misery to even see straight. 

When she blinked and fresh, silent tears slid down her cheeks, he frowned and brought his hand up again. With his thumb he brushed them away and held her cheek in his palm. All he wanted to do was make her understand, and he wasn't sure how long that would take. 

She licked her lips and immediately he made his first mistake, he thought of kissing her. She was staring up at him with those watery brown eyes, lashes wet, and it shouldn't have made him want to kiss her, but she'd never looked at him like that way before. So he leaned in, and he was so close he could feel her breath against his lips. That’s when he stopped. She was in tears a moment ago, professing how much she hated him, wanted to hate him. He couldn't kiss her like this. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't-."

"Kiss me," she said softly.

His heart pounded in his chest at her words, because he wanted nothing more, but fear had taken up residence in his heart and he suspected it would not be leaving any time soon. It was a trick, he'd kiss her and she'd disappear. It would be the universes payback for his crimes and treatment of her. "If you leave, I can't, I can't deal with that." Bucky couldn't kiss her and then lose her again. It would be worse then never having her at all.

"I won’t do that," she said honestly, her eyes innocent and full of emotion.

Jemma wouldn't, she wouldn't hurt him, but he had hurt her. Selfishly, Bucky leaned in to kiss her. It was slow at first, just a simple press of the lips, and then another. Then she raised slightly and leaned into him and Bucky wrapped his arms tightly around her, pulling her against him. He slid his right hand into her hair and slowly begged entrance to her mouth. That was all it took.

It was Jemma that demanded more. Bucky threw himself into kissing her and gave into her silent demands. Then slowly she slid her arms around his neck and held him to her body. It was a relief to feel her arms around him, but a part of him hated that she had let him off the hook so easily. Part of him still wanted Jemma to hate him. He deserved it, but he was selfish too, and he wanted-, no, needed her. 

Bucky had let himself become attached to her in the beginning. Back then he may have been physically strong, but mentally he had been weak, broken. He had put all of his trust into one woman. Jemma had been the first pleasant thing he had been able to remember in a long time. She had been kind, gentle. Bucky had been easily swayed by her. He’d been like a child, following her direction blindly and then needing her to survive as he recovered.

As he became more stable she stopped being just a comfort, a crutch, and then slowly it had turned into something much more dangerous.

Jemma pushed at his shoulders suddenly and he was forced to let her go. Worry began to settle over him again. How long would he fear her leaving him? Her arms left his shoulders and he felt their absence already. Then she grabbed the hem of her shirt and lifted it, tossing the material to the floor. "Jemma," he whispered, almost fearfully as he let his eyes travel over the swell of her breasts and down her stomach, but unwilling to touch.

"You don't want me?" She asked softly, her eyes wide and hurt.

"That's not it," he lifted his hands and slid them up her bare arms, needing to reassure her, needing to wipe away the hurt in her eyes. "You're mad at me," he began and her eyes flickered away. “And…if you leave me in the morning, I can't-. That would be worse then you leaving now. I told you I need you. You have no idea what that would do to me."

She studied him for a moment, eyes still so full of emotion. "I know," she whispered. “Just…trust me."

Trust. Bucky always trusted her, but he wasn’t sure when she'd trust him again, and that’s what haunted him the most. 

Hands touched his stomach and he felt her slide them slowly beneath his shirt. His stomach clenched at the feel of her fingers against his bare skin. That was all it took to break him. Bucky grabbed the hem of his shirt and yanked it off before grabbing her hips and pulling her against him. Already her hands slid up his arms, his cybernetic arms, and for a moment he tensed and prayed she didn't notice. His left arm had never troubled him with Natasha, but with Jemma it did. He'd always needed Jemma’s approval and acceptance. But as she slid her fingers into his hair he calmed and leaned in to kiss her again.


	3. Chapter 3

He leaned into her body and slid his hands down to grasp her thighs and then lifted her into the air. She made a soft sound into his mouth, but tightened her arms around him and locked her legs around his waist. Blindly, Bucky found the way to the bed and laid her on it, not breaking from her once. It was relief more then excitement he felt as he settled between her legs, with free right now to touch her.

The bra was gone in seconds. She'd thrown it to the side as soon as he unhooked it. He focused on her breasts then, taking each in his hand and teasing the nipple, drawing it into his mouth and nipping it gently. As she arched into him, rubbing her body against his, he pressed a kiss between her breasts and slowly made his way down her stomach. 

She was smooth and soft, skin not in the least marred with scars, so unlike his. That was the root of the entire problem. They were nothing alike. They hadn’t even been able understood the other’s feelings. Again he wondered if they were moving to fast. In fact, he knew they were, but he needed her, had wanted her for so long, been so hurt by her withdrawal from him, that reasoning went out the window. All of those thoughts escaped him when Jemma buried her hands in his hair and tugged. He moved up her body and stopped to kiss her. When he broke away he looked down at her. “What is it?”

"Not slow," she whispered against his lips.

It seemed like it should have been. That he should have spent hours paying attention to her body, but a part of him needed to have her. Later, if there was a later, he'd keep her in his bed for a week. As it was they were going to be landing soon and there wasn't time, privacy, or space for everything he had in mind. So Bucky nodded and pushed off of her. He made quick work of his clothes and partially regretted losing the opportunity to remove hers. As he watched her quickly removing her own he finally decided it didn’t matter.

Again he settled between her legs, releasing a breath as his erection pressed against her, warm and wet. She raised her hips in and slid against the length of him. In response Bucky grasped her hair and brought his lips down for a kiss that might have been to rough, but she didn't stop him. He was aching for her and so close to finally having her. 

As he slid the length of himself against her he watched the pleasure on her face, again regretting that he did’t have more time. He right hand trailed down her side, her hip, thigh, and grasped her knee to pull it over his hip. When he angled himself towards her, pressed the head of himself into her, she whimpered softly against his mouth and gripped his shoulders, then slowly he slid into her. He could hear ever shaky breath she took as he entered her, stuttered breathing that probably matched his own. As he settled deep within her he grasped the sheets above her head and listened as she inhaled sharply. 

Her lips were swollen from kisses, but her eyes were too, and blood shot. When he brushed his thumb over her cheek he could still feel the dampness there and again he wondered what the hell he had done. "God I'm sorry." It made it hurt even more that she'd forgiven him in some way, that she was beneath him now and he was right where he wanted to be. “Don't leave me after this." I can't handle it, he added silently. He couldn't handle being with her like this, inside of her, hearing each sound of pleasure, and then for her to so be cold again. 

She blinked, eyes shining slightly. "I'm not."

His heart still doubted. Jemma was an honest, good person, but he had hurt her. He couldn't imagine her staying. 

At first he moved slow. It was supposed to be slow. Not like the rushed coming together with someone who didn't matter. Bucky kissed her as he moved and kept her body close. 

"Faster," she whispered when he buried his face into her neck and fought off the growing need.

Bucky winced into her shoulder, reluctant to let go, but he couldn't deny her either. He pushed himself up, wrapped his left arm around her waist, pulled out and slammed back into her. She threw her head back and cried out softly. There was no slowing down after that. She bit her lip, keeping her cries to the minimum and he regretted the setting. He wanted her in his bed, he wanted to hear her scream. In the meant time he satisfied himself with her body arching, fingers clawing at the sheets, and her breasts moving with each thrusts. 

Then he stopped deep inside of her and she whimpered, grinding against him. Bucky lowered himself and pressed a kissed to her forehead before rolling them in the small bed.

She grabbed his shoulders and pushed herself into a sitting position, sinking down on him further. Bucky gripped her hips tighter at the feel of her, at the sight of her, head dropping back as a sigh escaped her lips. Free to touch her again he slid his right hand up to her breast and held it, thumbing her nipple and pinching it gently.

Their eyes didn't stray from one another, and silently she lowered herself over him, hand coming to rest on either side of him. Then she was moving, slow at first. He raised his head to one breast and scrapped his teeth against her nipple, pinching the other again. She cried out and bucked against him.

Bucky was content, letting her ride him, watching her. But then she lowered herself further, breasts pressed against his chest and kissed him urgently, grinding herself on him. He grasped her hair and wrapped his arm around her hips, moving her harder. She whimpered softly into his mouth and moved with him at a furious pace.

When she finally pulled away she buried her face into his neck and whimpered his name.

It broke him almost to hear his name on her lips. Then she was coming, gasping against his skin and crying out softly. She rode him faster, harder, and it was enough. It sent him over the edge jerking into her and tightening his hold on her body.

Seconds passed and she didn't move. Her face remained in his neck, her breathing finally beginning to slow, and he continued to hold her her firmly against him, both arm around her body. He was scared now, more then ever. At some point she was going to realize it was a mistake and leave.

"Tell me that won't happen again, I don't want to feel like that again," she whispered finally, still out of breath.

At that he sighed and shut his eyes, guilt fresh again. It wasn't just that he almost ruined what they'd had, he'd damaged it, he'd damaged her trust in him. "I love you.” She raised her head at is words and looked down at him, eyes looking so tired. "I can promise I'm never hurting you again."

She looked at him, eyes watering again slightly. "I love you too."

He released a shaky breath, confidence slightly restored.


	4. Chapter 4

The alarm on her phone was what woke Jemma and she jumped from the bed, barely registering her current situation, and dug it from her pants to shut it off. When she stood, bare as the day as she was born, she sighed. "We land in an hour."

"There's time," Bucky said, his voice soft.

Jemma licked her lips and made her way back to the bed after setting her phone down. Bucky rolled onto his back and Jemma recalled his left arm cool over her waist when she'd woken. When she settled next to him again he wrapped his right arm around her and she released a sigh as she settled her cheek on his chest. Things were still awkward, she could feel it, and she still had some doubts. She was still scared, but she closed her eyes and attempted to relax.

Jemma slid her hand over his stomach and settled it on his chest. Beneath her hand his chest rose and fell. His lips settled against the top of her head and when he kissed it she bit her lip, slowly becoming more nervous now that they were both fully awake. 

"What happens when we land," he asked suddenly.

Her brow wrinkled in confusion that he couldn't see, because it was the last thing she expected him to ask. Jemma wasn’t used to this Bucky, the one that doubted, the one that had been desperate to fix things with her. "What do you mean?"

"With us."

At that she finally looked up at him. "What do you want?"

Bucky opened his mouth then closed it. His tongue flicked out and licked his lips before he spoke. "I want you to come with me."

Her heart eased a little at his admission. “Okay,” she whispered. They were rushing into things, that was for sure, but she needed this, they needed this. They needed to be together. It had been so long. 

His mouth curled up just slightly and it bothered her that she couldn't remember the last time he had smiled at her. Jemma pulled herself up his body and met his lips. Soon his arm was curling around her waist and pulling her closer.

It wasn't until Jemma moaned and pressed against him, wrapping her leg around his body, did she realize what was happening. Without caring she slid herself over his body and straddled him, their lips never parting. As she settled her weight on him she could feel him hard between her legs. Jemma raised herself and slid onto him easily, breaking from his lips to gasp.

"How much time?" Bucky asked and slid his arm up her back.

Jemma fisted the sheets and raised her hips only to settle them on him again. With a quick glance she noted the time. “Forty-minutes,” she responded breathlessly.

"More then enough time," he responded and rolled them over.  
\-----------------

Some months later…

"How is he?" Natasha asked after a moment of staring out the window of SHIELD new building. Coulson knew exactly who she referred to.

“Better. Follows orders, most of the time." Coulson said and turned his chair to face her.

"Most of the time?" She asked and glanced back at him, hands clasped behind her back, and brow slightly cocked.

"He was supposed to bring someone in to be interrogated. But in Bucky's mind if someone points a gun at his girlfriend they're dead."

"Girlfriend?" Natasha asked innocently, and turned back to the window.

"Jemma. While I'm relieved he is so determined to keep her safe, this isn't the first time he's ignored orders because of her."

Natasha heard the annoyance in Coulson’s voice. "It's for the best,” Natasha said thoughtfully and turned to face him. “That she stays alive I mean. If something happens to her…”

“I know,” Coulson said with a sigh, “I’m well aware of the potential for disaster.” 

Coulson paused for a moment then spoke. “He's always been to attached to her,” he said in exasperation and turned back to his computer.


End file.
